Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Athlete of the Decade

We really weren't going to chime in.

Honest.

Weren't planning on it at all.

When the news broke over Thanksgiving weekend during the Texas-Texas A&M game we thought to ourselves, "Selves...this is fishy. How did Tiger wind up bruised and unconscious from hitting a tree in reverse? Dude had to be going like 40 out of his driveway!" It looked like a fish, smelled like a fish, talked like a fish and swam like a fish...by god, it probably wasn't a Llama. Maybe there was more to this story. Maybe he was really, really, really pissed off. Or in super trouble with someone. Or maybe his take out was ready and he and the wife hadn't eaten in three weeks. Either way, the story just didn't make any sense.

Then came the reality of it all. Tiger liked to bang porn stars. And call girls. And waitresses. And...well...pretty much anything with a working vagina within reach. The guy's life started to sound like a scene from Grand Theft Auto. It was that thought of Tiger, running through the streets of his exclusive Florida neighborhood, jumping into cars and slamming into trees, taking home hookers and then beating them with a 9-iron, that led us here at One Day In Culture to envision EA Sport's Tiger Woods 2011 in which a hole in one means a free trip to virtual hotel where Jamie Jungers is sitting on the bed, still pretending to not be an over-priced hooker. (Patent is pending on that one, so don't get any ideas EA Sports before talking to our lawyer.)



(Damn you David Letterman writers...I swear to God I came up with that first.)

And we know what's next with you Tiger, or can I please call you Mr. Woods. We know the steroid scandal is right around the corner. We know that your Canadian doctor, Dr. Anthony Galea, was arrested and charged today with importing and selling an illegal performance enhancing drug known as Actovegin (and no, that's not just the nickname for a vegan who likes to workout) which is a growth hormone extracted from Calf's blood. And we know what's next. We just learned it from reading Andre Agassi's new tell-all book Open or How I Learned To Make A Mockery Of The Sport That Made Me Famous By Writing A Book To Become More Famous. It'll come out in the coming weeks that you've been using Calf's blood to hit your drives further, to pump your fists higher, and to bang more prostitutes. And, the kicker is, the PGA is going to have known all about it. Hell, they've probably never even tested you for performance enhancing drugs. After all, you are Tiger...we mean, Mr. Woods...the guy who single handily saved the sport of Golf from the likes of Jack Nicklaus, Arnold Palmer, and this drunken gambling-addicted fat guy to the right whom we've now forgotten all about. We mean, who would want to watch those three wander around a course, teeing balls and wacking off? (Wait...switch that.) Your scandal, Tiger, we mean, Mr. Woods, is going to get much worse before you can fade away to your own personal island like Johnny Depp. TMZ will find you, no matter where you are.

But we aren't mad about all of that. Not really. You can be as scandalous and drug crazed as Jose Canseco for all we care. You can shoot yourself in the leg like Plaxico, smoke crack like Darryl Strawberry, fix yourself some gambling odds like all those NBA referees, lie and cheat on your wife like Lance Armstrong...shit...even get yourself out of a double homicide like O.J. WE SIMPLY DON'T CARE!

But today, of all days, just two weeks before the end of what could be easily argued as the worst ten years in American history, you've been dubbed by the Associated Press as the Athlete of the Decade. You, Mr. Woods, who have taken so much for granted, looked at world-wide fame and success, a beautiful wife, two lovely children, more money than you could ever spend and pissed and shit all over it all. You, Mr. Woods, who will never have to know what it feels like to lose your home, your job, your savings. You, Mr. Woods, who would have never had to face a Christmas alone, a Thanksgiving out in the cold, or the harsh reality that the new year may not bring a better day. You, Mr. Woods, who have in your possession what the other 99.9 percent of the world's population can only hope and dream of, have been named Athlete of the Decade. Well, fuck you.

It's none of our business, none of us, with what you do with your life Mr. Woods. We all make horrible mistakes that have impactful consequences on ourselves and everyone around us. But you have allowed yourself to become the emblem of what's wrong with America. Greed, excess, adultery, steroids, guns, dog fighting, drunk driving, drug-abuse, gambling...it's enough to make anyone struggling through the worst year in American history want to end it all. And here we're just talking about you athletes. You spoiled, rich, morality-lacking overgrown children. We haven't even begun to discuss Goldman Sachs, Enron, Wall-Mart, Hollywood, our agriculture system or the Federal Government. But we've named you, Mr. Woods, fucking Athlete of the Decade. Congratulations.

Speaking from the perspective of someone who will never live your blessed life, who has lost his job this year, is still single at 30 years old with a Master's who is bartending because he was never really very good at sports but always pretty decent at writing, but there aren't any goddamned jobs out there for writers because people would rather watch you play a game than read a book...well shit man. Give me your houses, your money, your wife. Give me the blessedness that is the Tiger Woods corporation and watch a man appreciate everything he has been given. Watch a man donate to charity. Watch a man stay out of the strip clubs and come home to his family. Watch a man who has so very little right now show you what living a charmed life in this day and age really means. That it should be embraced and cherished, not taken for granted. If you don't appreciate it, Mr. Athlete of the Decade, there are plenty of other people who will. Read more!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Ignorance May Be Bliss...

Ok, so maybe this isn't American culture, but we at One Day In Culture feel that when facts come to light, no matter how far away it is, we should at least be spreading the information.

Please watch the below video:



For more information please visit The Human Society International

Read more!