The 37th Annual AMAs

Every year, the American Music Awards reminds us here at One Day In Culture of some essential facts regarding American popular music that we seem to forget sometime between January and November:

A) Great performers (Jay-Z, Eminem, and especially Whitney Houston) get better with age
B) Awful performers (Adam (F)Lambert, Rhianna, Lady Gaga, and the Black Eyed Peas) will always pick the most horrible clothes - or at least their overpaid stylists will...
C) We can never remember how many children Jermaine Jackson has. However, I will now never forget Jermagesty, or Jumanji, or Jereimiahwasabullfrog...
D) And, at the AMAs, it never fails that the worst of the worst (Taylor Swift we're talking to you) will be highly rewarded. At least we have those Teen-Career-Ending 20's to look forward to (Taylor Swift's vagina, this time we're talking to you).

That being said (a big shout out to Larry David and the Curb crew for that intro), the 37th annual American Music Awards should be considered a success if for no other reason than it made this progressive-metrosexual-journalist blush on at least three separate occasions. This year's AMA's was the highest rated show since 2002, showcased not one, not two, but three legendary-comeback performances (Janet, J-Lo, and Whitney. Rhianna, we're sorry but you don't count), and a host of shameless appearances that may just set the civil rights movements of both African Americans and homosexuals back a few dozen years. Yes, most importantly, the 2009 AMA's were a highly entertaining mix of the usual attention-deprived celebrities and disheartened divas that we've come to know and love.

There is just too much to talk about for one unemployed blogger sitting at his kitchen table drinking coffee on a Monday afternoon, so we're going to have to narrow an analysis down to the bare boned essentials. By bare-boned, we do not mean Lady Gaga's ridiculous outfit, but instead mean our own little AMA awards, the ODC Golden Donkeys, given to those memorable moments that never completely leave one's brain. And now, Mr. Seacrest, the envelope please!

The Anti-Genre-Busting Award:
This award goes to Mr. American Idol, Adam Flambert, who told Entertainment Weekly's Whitney Pastorek during rehersals for Sunday night's show: "Genres are old news. Genres are a thing of the past. I don’t believe in genres." I'm sorry to say that you, Mr. Flambert are a hypocrite. Not only did his performance Sunday night — complete with mock-fellatio, pelvic thrusts, and make-out-sessions — reinforce every gay stereotype held by the religious right, it was simply a horrific display by a media-fueled wannabe whose talent has been reduced to makeup, hair gel, and homoeroticism. Perhaps the only good thing to come out of this performance was the discovery of Flambert's irrelevance. We'll see you on ABC's Dancing With the Stars. Oh, and your song? It sucks.

Runners Up: Country Music Performers Pretending to be Pop-Stars (Carrie Underwood and Keith Urban, congrats) and the Black Eyed Peas for continually referring to themselves as Hip-Hop. You're not.

The Don't-Call-It-A-Comeback Award: This is a two-way tie between Whitney Houston and Jennifer Lopez. Sure, neither of these women displayed the full-breath of talent the good lord gave them on Sunday night, but both divas made statements with their performances that included tears from some of the ODC staffers during Houston's performance and at least one areal hand pump when J-Lo asked, "Ya miss me?"

We here at ODC can't understand the backlash J-Lo's "Louboutins." She's J-Lo, why wouldn't she sing a song giving props to her favorite shoes? And what in the hell does everyone expect from America's dance-machine? The hook, "I'm throwin' on my Louboutins" will be stuck in our heads for the next month-and-a-half, she rocked her dance solo after her 40-year-old butt hit the ground, and made her way from her boxer introduction to a corset covered exit over the course of 4 minutes. It was exciting, fresh, and completely J-Lo. Quit over-expecting.

And Whitney...what can we say? We were in tears by the end of her song "I Didn't Know My Own Strength." A friend of ours said during the performance, "I just don't particularly like that she sang this song as her comeback song." We ask, "What would an international diva of Houston's proportions who lost her career to crack sing instead? 'I Will Always Love You?'" The moment was a perfect addition to television history and for that, we applaud.

Runner Up: Michael Jackson's diamond-studded glove.

The What-The-Fuck? Award: This one is gonna go to Alicia Keys, whose ally-rape choreography during her performance of "Try Sleeping with a Broken Heart" made me cringe. Yes Alicia, I know its hard to sleep with a broken heart, but try sleeping after you witness a black man dressed up like a hobo jump down off of a brick wall and attack Alicia Keys. NO ALICIA! Didn't your mom ever tell you that an alley is no place for a woman to perform?

Runners Up: Jermaine Jackson's children's names...I mean seriously, WTF? And Perez Hilton, who's ability to sing the words to "Empire State" while making me want to slap his face with Lady Gaga's balls is unprecidented. PS, whoever gave Mr. Hilton a microphone should be slapped with the rest of Gaga's manhood.

And finally, the I'm Not Buying Your BS Award goes to: Taylor Swift...your doe eyed shock at winning multiple times may be fooling 90% of the viewing audience, but not me. Deep down inside of you is a Lindsay Lohan, I just know it.


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Snubbing The Shield

I don't want to admit that I watch a ton of television. Growing up, that was everything we railed against as the defining moment in life when you really had lost that lovin' feeling, the point in your life's career that you had decided there just wasn't that much more to life than staring at the pixelated screen in front of your coffee table. Gone were the days of getting drunk, smoking pot and playing guitar until dawn. Gone were the walks through the neighborhood with the dog. Trips to Europe, skydiving, whitewater rafting, snowboarding, reading, writing, living, loving, life...it was gone once the television watching became a pastime. However, I have become a watcher of television.

I must say that, looking back, we were misguided. Watching television was more of an active denouncement of our parents' habits than a fear of losing touch with life itself. Hell, thinking back on all the countless hours I spent stoned out of my mind, watching quality television would have been an improvement to trying to see moving spirals in my Alice in Wonderland poster while hopped up on LSD. A good episode of The Wire tops those memoires emensely.

This brings me to today's anouncemnet of the 2009 Emmy Awards. Television has come a long way from nights spent with mom and dad watching Dynasty and Dallas. Now we have shows like Weeds and Entourage to look forward to on weekday nights. It's Always Sunny in Philly has caused me to pee a little on numerous occasions, while Rescue Me always has me dreading the end of our 60 minutes together. True Blood, Nurse Jackie, Mad Men, The Office, 30 Rock, Breaking Bad, Big Love, Damages, Six Feet Under, Eastbound and Down, Generation Kill...the list of beautiful and gut-wrenching television goes on and on.

With all the amazing television out on a seemingly endless selection of channels, I would imagine it would be hard to narrow the field down when considering shows and actors that deserve Emmy nominations. That being said, today's list of nominees was glaringly missing a final curtain call for one of the most provacative, daring, and undeniably groundbreaking pieces of programming in television history.

Season 1 of FX's The Shield premiered on March 12, 2002 and immediately changed the landscape of what basic cable could bring viewers. Sure, HBO had been breaking the mold in regards to pushing the boundaries, and Six Feet Under had just wrapped its first full season, but it wasn't until The Shield brought its gritty brand of documentary-style handheld recording, language, and graphic depictions of inner-city crime and police corruption to FX that producers, writers, and networks began to reconceptualize creative content.

Furthermore, creator/writer Shawn Ryan, series star Michael Chiklis and co-star Walton Goggins (the two men whose character relations provided the arc for the entire series) got better with age - something very few programs (I'm talking to YOU Grey's Anatomy) can hope to achieve.

The Shield ended the series this past year with its 7th Season, a beautiful and heart-breaking collection of one-hour episodes that culminated with the murder/suicide of Shane Vendrell's family (Walton Goggins) and Vic Mackey (Michael Chiklis) forsaking everything around him to keep himself out of prision. The finale was executed perfectly, with Chiklis all but guaranteeing himself a Emmy nod with his overwhelming — and completely silent — performance as the realization that his character would forever be strapped to a desk, ostracized from the police force and his wife and children as a direct result of his decisions. It was easily the most mesmerizing ten minutes of television I had ever seen. The final season of The Shield was recognized by the American Film Institue as one of the 10 best TV programs of the year along with Breaking Bad, In Treatment, John Adams, Lost, Life, Mad Men, The Office, Recount and The Wire.

Of these television shows, The Shield is the most deserved of the recognition and priase, yet is one of the most overlooked programs in television history. Rent it. Buy it. Do whatever you can to wtiness the evolution of television, the birth of Michael Chiklis the bonified dramatic star, the rebirth of Glenn Close (who, unfortunately, time had forgotten), the remarkable acting chops of Anthony Anderson as the unflinchingly cold and calculated Antwon Mitchell, the hauningly intense work of Forrest Whitaker (the role grants him tremendous respect), and the dozens of other amazingly well-written and exceptionally acted characters who piece the 7 season story together. I, for one, was sad to see it go and even sadder that one of the best series in television history was but a small and passable blip on the Academy of Television Arts and Science's radar.

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Trying To Stay Day-to-Day Has Its Challenges...

There are hundreds of excuses as to why I haven't been able to keep up my pledge to post daily here at One Day In Culture. I could say it's because I'm lazy, but that honestly seems like the cowardly way out...because...as all who know me know...I'm not the lazy type. I could blame it on women, which would be an excuse to write home and tell my Dad about...but things have been pretty slow in that neck of the woods and would ultimately be a lie.

Music? Nope. The recording industry has been complete shit for the past few months. When Maxwell is the best thing that comes out in a given week you know the music business is having itself quite a dry spell. (To Maxwell: No offense. But R&B just ain't what it used to be.)

Books? Nahhh...I dropped out of Book Club months ago and school doesn't start till August.
Sports? Well I did go to a baseball game on the 4th...
Movies? Not unless you count going to see Ice Age 2 in 3D as a movie, which you shouldn't.

No, I believe I can blame only one person for the recent lack in my productivity — Jimmy Fallon.

Damn you Jimmy Fallon with your blend of quirk-dry humor and impeccable hairline. You've made late night television a fun place to be again. Slow-jamming the news with a genius idea for a house band — The Roots. Playing "Lick it for Ten" where you've had everyone from Drew Barrymore to random audience members lick something completely random for $10. Every band you have on the show, Jimmy, sounds like they're owed a Grammy...including Asher Roth, whose "Be By Myself" — backed by The Roots — was one of the best live performances I've ever seen on television. You're reality television show, "7th Floor West," is hilarious, as was Beer Pong with Betty White. And Kudos to you for having Anne Hathaway on your show to play guitar...even though she was awful, she was scorching hot doing it.

I stay awak at nights thinking about how much fun it would be to host your television show. Will Farrell doing skits with you, playing Wii Tiger Woods against the real Tiger Woods, having audience members come up to play Rush Limbaugh Kareoke....It's all just so unbelieveably brilliant, unpretentious and fun. And did I mention The Roots? It is way past the time in music history when the rest of the world was introduced to not only the best band in Hip-Hop, but perhaps all of music. Their performance of "I Got Over," was indescribeable. In case you missed it:



See Jimmy! See why I stay awake watching your show? See why I'm up until 1am every night regardless of two weeks of reruns and can't get up before 10am? I blame you Jimmy Fallon, for giving us all a reason to ditch sleep in an effort to belly laugh till dawn. I want your life Jimmy Fallon...and you're remarkable hairline. Read more!