I have a friend here in Denver who expresses his displeasure with something by decrying, "Oh my God, that just gave me a rash." And, if something like the thought of having to go to the mall to do some shopping on a Sunday afternoon gives him a rash, what we just witnessed gives me a form of diaper dermatitis, only, I don't have a diaper, and I've just crapped my pants.
Unbeknownst to most of the working world, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt (known in the teen-land as Speidi...now I think I might vomit) arose from the bowls of reality television in 2006 on a show I never saw called The Hills. Mrs. Montag-Pratt, unfortunately, was born in Crested Butte, Colorado in 1986. And what might even be more unfortunate than that she didn't stay where the good Lord made her. Mr. Pratt, on the other hand, was born under a bridge, a horrible experiment brought about when casting agent Matthew Steiner aspired to create a new breed of action hero by splicing the DNA found in "Marky" Mark Wahlburg's dead skin with the public hair of Ray Romano. What Mr. Steiner intended to create was a much more jovial action star, one who was free from the haunting burden behind many of Mr. Wahlburg's characters. What Mr. Steiner created, by adding too many Romano short and curlys, was a complete and utter douche bag. When these two degenerate strains on the gene pool found each other on one of TV's most idiotic moments, it was love at first spite — regardless of the detriment to society.
"Speidi" encapsulates yet another level of American cultural horror. I would assume, although I have yet to ask, that most high school students are fairly associated with this dynamic duo. The premiere of season 4 of The Hills took in 2.1 million viewers aged 12-34 and on June 2, MTV aired a very successful episode titled, "Speidi's Wedding Unveiled." The couple is tabloid royalty, and they're damned proud of it.
In an ongoing effort to enhance American culture while debunking the instant celebrity status to unabashed and untalented young men and women born with no moral compass, here is a list of 10 people (5 Montags and 5 Pratts) that would actually prove to be a benefit if the American public had ever heard of them. Print this out and spread it around, we may only hope to enlighten...
- Guy Montag — The main character in Ray Bradbury's classice 1953 novel, Fahrenheit 451, Montag makes his living honorably as a fireman burning books for the government until he begins to understand his role as a thought suppressor. If American teenagers knew this Montag, that might mean that A) they were reading and B) they could understand Bradbury's commentary on the destruction of American society through television and violence.
- Charles Pratt — An American entreprenuer and philanthropist, Pratt founded the Pratt Institute in Brooklyn in 1887. Among the first to understand the need for petrolium replacements for whale oil, he also was a leader in academic education and today the Pratt Institute is one of the leading arts colleges in the United States offering classes in architecture, fashion, illustration, interior design, digital arts and creatve writing.
- Louis A. Montag — In 1945, this Georgian began Atlanta's first independant financial advisory firm.
- Philip W. Pratt — In 1872, Pratt invented and patented the first automatic sprinkler system for fire prevention. Students everywhere who didn't study for their math exams rejoiced.
- Dr. Mildred Montag — From 1943-1948, this Montag served Adelphi College as the first director of the School of Nursing. She was a visionary nurse educator whose innovative research and teaching led to a wholesale expansion of the nursing profession and brought countless benefits to the health and well-being of generations to come.
- Charlie Pratt — An self-taught American Indian contemporary bronze sculptor of Cheyenne and Arapahoe descent.
- Bob Montag — As a player for the Atlanta Crackers in 1954, Montag hit what he claimed was the longest home run in baseball history. It landed in a coal car passing on the railroad tracks beyond the right field fence at Ponce de Leon park. A few days later, the train had gone to Nashville, Tennessee and back. The conductor asked Montag to autograph the ball, which by that time had traveled more than 500 miles.
- William Henry Pratt — You know him by his stage name, Boris Karloff. His role as The Monster in the 1931 film, Frankenstein, made Karloff (not Pratt) a household name. Karloff was also a charter member of the Screen Actors' Guild.
- Jacob Sammuel Pratt, III — Egged on by a dare in 1993, this Kentucky native once fit three Wendy's Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers into his mouth at the same time, then chewed and swallowed without a beverage.
- Sara Beth Montag — The most flexible girl in her high school, Sara Beth Montag sang her favorite song, Rhianna's Disturbia, in front of a crowd of 72 during last year's Houston, Texas Livestock Show and Rodeo. She won a 3rd Place trophy and a $25 gift certificate to Gabby's Ribs and BBQ's Telephone Road location.
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